Loneliness because of covid

If I can distill the essence of what I believe to be a life well-lived, having adventure would be a big part of it. Since young, I found myself enthralled by the exotic and the foreign, wanting to escape the comforts of safety to wander in the unknown. The world was teeming with color and diversity, like when Nemo first goes to school or when Judy first enters Zootopia. I enjoyed the short trips I would take with my family and would spend hours at airports, watching and wondering the places, cultures, and people each airline represented. As a less-well-off kid who only flew budget domestic airlines, I dreamt of the day when I could fly bigger international airlines and experience the lives of people all around the world. It was a purpose that seeped into all areas of my life. I studied harder, did my best in extracurriculars, and tried my hardest to be the kind of person who would get a full scholarship to an Ivy League university.

Things didn’t work out exactly according to plan, but looking back, they worked out even better. I traveled to the US and Europe on a full scholarship while in high school and got accepted into Minerva. Minerva was a university straight out of my dreams, at least when it comes to experiencing different cultures since we travel every semester. I was excited to live and learn with classmates from around the world, in 7 cities all around the world. There were so many moments in my first 3 years in Minerva, where I simply felt like I belonged. And that I could belong, wherever in the world I was thrown, as long as I could find cool people. Finding interesting people was never a problem for me. I could confidently go alone to events that interested me and make friends. Even though I leaned into a few close friendships and my relationship while in Minerva, I felt confident that I would not get lonely or depressed and that I would continue to meet new people, try out new experiences, and live life, just as I had dreamt of as a little kid.

However, Coronavirus changed all of that. The world, once teeming with life and people, now seems empty. I no longer feel warmth and love while getting to know strangers – just distrust and uncertainty as we briefly pass by each other in public spaces. Before Covid, every stranger was a potential friend. I would find it fun to open up and exchange life stories and get close to people. Now, however, every stranger is a potential health threat. Social contact can be reinstated, and I have done that by getting close to my flatmates and going on walks with friends. Adventure, however, seems completely stripped from my life. I am one to take risks, but I never want to put those I value at risk, so I avoided buses, trains, and planes. I have only really explored the places I can walk or cycle to. This was in sharp contrast with all the previous semesters, where I saved up to go on trips outside my city and would do something adventurous at least once a month.

As a result of my new covid lifestyle – I just feel old. And sad. I no longer jump out of bed but just try to sleep a little more. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly excited, truly alive. I feel low energy and just do not feel like doing anything all day. Deadlines are the only reason things get done, and even then, the quality of work does not match what I have done previously and what I was capable of doing. A close friend suggested I was depressed, but I feel uncomfortable with that label because, well, that’s just not me. I am a happy-go-lucky person and I am funny, and I want to do so much in my life. I just am running low on batteries right now. Is this what depression is like? But digging in, I realize maybe I am indeed sad at how the world is changing. The kind of world I dreamt of as a kid with opportunity and universal kinship and unexpected adventures at every turn – perhaps that world is gone. Perhaps the world will end up being cold, isolated, and suspicious. Perhaps I need to get used to monotony and comfort. Who knows. I wish I had a happy ending to this story, it certainly feels incomplete ending it like this, but that is what it is. Thank you for reading.